Mind-boggling

Ever since I came back USJ last Thursday, I find myself busy with practically nothing. I dunno why. I felt a lot of things are waiting for me to do and yet I didn't do much. Weekend was always busy. And when I had time to sit down, I would just sat in front of the computer thinking of nothingness. Or chat with Heng.

I wonder why I have no passion to update this blog these few days. Last time I blog everyday;. Now I blog every 3 days. This is worrying me. I have nothing in my life to share recently I guess. The only thing I can think of sharing is Desaru. Hmm...

On second thought, in fact there are a lot of things I have been thinking of lately and they are quite mind-boggling. One of them is my future. I'm not talking about marriage here of course. I'm talking about career.

I remember I wanted very much to become an astronomer when I was in secondary school. And when I started to take physics in Form 4, I totally gave up on the dream. lol. Coz I hate physics and I think astronomer needs a great mathematics and physics brain. And when I failed physics in my monthly tests, my astronomer dream is out of the scope.

Then, I was interested in organic chemistry when I was in Form 5 and when I heard that pharmacy involves a lot of organic chemistry, immediately I imagined myself working as a pharmacist. I always wanted to study pharmacy back then but I didn't choose to study pharmacy even though my pre-U results was eligible to apply for the course. Because I don't like to stand at the counters to serve customers, I prefer lab work. So, I chose Biotechnology. Too bad back then I was too ignorant. I didn't know if one studies pharmacy one can further study to discover drug and what not. But what had been done had been done. There's no use to look back and regret.

So, now that I had done a degree in Biotechnology. What am I got to deal with it? I know reaching for the phd dream is what everyone is planning. But, something deep inside is telling me that Phd is not what I want. I just want to work in lab with stable and good salary and have the chance to join a research team. That's all I want. I don't want to be a lecturer. I don't want to lead the research team. And I definitely dunno whether I can cope with the 3 years stress.

You can call me coward. But with the financial I lack, I can't picture myself working under both financial and academic stress. Because I've witnessed it in my friend who had suffer insomnia because of the two main stress in a poor student life - money and exams. And I don't want myself to go through this dilemma coz I don't want to use money from my parents again. Being money-less in country using expensive currencies. Summore 3 years! Unless I'm very sure I have enough money in my account to cover my expenses for these 3 years if transaction of scholarships or grant delayed, otherwise, it's a big no no.

With so many reason, which I hope it is not a looking-for-easy-way-out-thinking. Or maybe all these financial reasons are bullshit. I think it's just me myself who dun feel like taking PhD. Yesterday, after I went to the UK education fair. The lady at the University of Nottingham, although being frank, but what she said gave me a pang. She said "So you want to study PhD just because PhD has more scholarship offering, not because of your interest?"

She's right.

I had been creating myself a believe that "I want to study PhD because I really like it". But it was actually not true. If I really like it, why did I keep running away from it? Initially I thought it is normal to take sooo long to apply for a PhD. lol. But, seeing my progress in applying for PhD I sense some repulsive response whenever PhD flashes through my mind. Comparing to my impulsive decision on learning life saving Bronze Medallion, I'm sure something is wrong with my willingness to take PhD. And from the repulsive response, the conclusion is I love Bronze Medallion and I hate PhD. Dun ask me why I hate PhD. I also dunno.

But, the weird thing is I still have the love for lab work and research. I really want to upgrade myself in lab techniques. So, yea.. Now I'm still thinking about the possibilities. One of which is MSc in Food Biotechnology or Enzymology. And I know I love it because I don't need to force myself into looking for the info about master programmes. And I would smile when I looked at the course structures. The feeling was so soothing. =) Hope this is my final decision for my first step. Hope I won't fickled again.