I don't know what had I become lately. It's so not me! I totally transformed from someone who do regular blogging and someone who had so much passion about trekking, to someone who can live without them. I don't even know who I am now.
But, right inside, I feel contented with what I had achieved so far from July till now. I've learned a lot from my new job. Gained more insights about this cancer research thing. Have higher confidence about myself. Frown more. Worry more. Become a not so happy-go-lucky person I used to be. Now think about it, I haven't been really cheerful since the day I took my job. I've pushed myself too hard.
Everyone in the lab ask me how am I. Maybe my face tells everyone I'm not ok.
What in my brain is Keep up! Keep up! Don't lose track! You've always wanted to work in this field. Now you've came this far, you can't ruin it with your own hands. You have to do whatever you can to make yourself excel in this field. You don't want to regret in the future right?
So, when I started the new job in July. I started to read journals at home. But because I was really stressed out, the words just danced around I couldn't catch a word. My brain was frozen. I managed to read some, but I found myself absorbing more info from journals when at work. Sometimes not even effective during work time. I quit yoga because I was so stressed I didn't feel like walking out of my room, left alone driving 20 minutes (45 minutes if there's a traffic jam) to the yoga centre.
And in August. I basically just sat in my room, being stressed, but most of the time staring at the Facebook homepage, doing nothing. Or sometimes wasting my nights away watching Korean drama when I knew there's a pile of journals waiting for me to read.
In September, I feel I'm more settled down. My frown is still here. But I feel myself being more capable to handle it. I'm catching the suitable pace for myself. Although not as steady, sometimes still wobbly, but I'm getting the pace. Some time in November I guess I will be alright.
My supervisor kept asking me how am I coping with the work. Every time all I could say was "I need to keep reading to make myself keep up" and she always gave me that nod which gave me the impression of her being skeptical with my interest in this job and my capability in my job. Which therefore made me yearn to do this really really well. I want to show people that I can do it, really really well. Hence, the stress. Sigh.. And when stress governs my feeling, I can't absorb anything from journals, my mind got tangled up.
I like my job. I like the challenges coming to me. I like the anxiety when things when wrong and I like how we have to deal with the problems. But possibly the way I deal with things in my new job is still not matured yet, hence the skeptical look from my supervisor.
So much grumblings going on here. lol.. It had been piled up since July and I finally vented that out. =P
Ooo! Here's a kit which can relieve stress! lol
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